What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 23:59
My family never makes their pension either.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Especially a lifetime of it.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was seconnd youngest,
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I write beautiful poetry .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
This is soul school!.
So whats the point in blame.
He resisted the act ,that day.
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why is there so much hate against black people?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As i do to all so called friends.?
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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She loved him until the end.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I said to her
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
What do you do to make yourself sleep early?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why did i forgive my father ?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She found it foreign!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He knew the spot.
I think the readers, may guess!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
It was going to be , some day.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was very sick at this time too.
And i lived it daily.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She wouldn,t have been !
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Put me off passion for life!!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One cannot live in the past .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Who then, do I blame.?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We were not on the streets..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So, i spoilt her more .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She was in good health!
When she asked me how she looked .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im still living with it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
What did i know ?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I have no regrets .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
All the time i was locked up.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was 9 years of age.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Ive learnt so much.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Comes on , in middle age.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But, we were locked up after school.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My life is so biszare .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I don,t even have a pension.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Would this be the day?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I waited trembling.
I will be 64.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But it wasn’t much.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I never cut or harmed myself..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We all went to grammer schools
She married twice! .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was scared of men, in general
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!